Her Name Is Patience

Patience: the capacity, habit, or fact of being patient.

Stress: constraining force or influence : a physical, chemical, or emotional factor that causes bodily or mental tension and may be a factor in disease causation. (That last bit makes me laugh. Disease causation. Say it out loud and laugh or just nod your head and smile.)


It may be a silly beggining, but this all began when I read my outlook for 2009. Here's a few highlights:

* From the outset, 2009 may present some true challenges for the Tiger.

* 27% (3 neutral and 9 unfavorable months) [This is my "rating" for the year.]

* One area of concern is stress. There may be some situations this year that could escalate your stress levels and you may want to find some ways to alleviate this issue.


Now I think it would be silly to believe that this year isn't full of possibilities for me. In fact I will be so bold as to say that I could have favorable months which were not listed, and many more neutral than unfavorable. However, many of the "pitfalls" of my year ring true to me and will need to be "put in check" in order to achieve this. Stress being the biggest of issues.


It is in my nature to stress. I like to plan, have a back-up plan for when it doesn't work out and I really like to makes sure that I can successfully include others in my plans and make them happy. I really think I'm just a mother soul or an old soul. Unfortunately, things get to me sometimes and when they do it's hard for me to shake. I may seem to have a way with words (or maybe not....), the truth is that I don't say what I am thinking or meaning to say a lot of the time. This isn't because I hold my tongue mind you, it's just because things don't come out the way they are formed in my mind. Let me give you an example.


There is a very nice woman that works in the lawyers office across from mine. It's a large office complex and we all share a bathroom. On many occasions I run into her and she often comments on my hair. She has even mentioned about her granddaughter that has gorgeous red hair. Once in the bathroom while I was washing my hands she came in, said hello and made a comment that she hoped that her granddaughter grew up to be as beautiful as I was. To this I replied "Oh no.....", in the "oh no I'm not beautiful but thank you for being so kind" kind of way. Let me remind you that she works in a lawyers office. In fact she probably is a lawyer and I'm 100% positive she is very intelligent. My response said "you may hope your graddaughter is good looking, [as you think I am] in the future, but you should hope she is considerably more intelligent!".


I can't tell you how often I replay that moment in my mind. Why couldn't I have just said that I knew she would be considerably more beautiful and definitely sweet just like her grandma? That is along the lines of the response that was formed in my mind, why did my mouth just take it upon itself to make me look as if my IQ is -10? The thing is, is that when I replay it....I STRESS!!! It's terrible I tell you. Getting ready stresses me out, planning dinner, anything can really. It's so sad. Relaxing stresses me out even. I sit there and think, I should be cleaning/reading/ learning/getting groceries/whatever! So what does this all mean? It means that I need to find a way to a) relieve stress I cannot avoid b) learn to approach planning and other stressful things in a manner that is more productive and calm c) do stress-free activities!


Enter, patience.


I don't really have patience with myself. I tend to do well when it comes to other people but when it comes to pacing myself and letting things happen at their own speed I do terribly. I often don't listen to my thoughts either unless they are flying across my mind and self depricating. I mean getting ready should go something like this:


Okay what do I fel like wearing?

What makes me feel good?

Be honest, what do you look hot in?

Put that on then, what are you waiting for?!?!


Instead it goes:

Oh geez I have to go to ________. (This happens whether it's work or somewhere I actually want to go.)

Yeah, I'll probably look bloated in that.

Didn't I wear black already yesterday?

I don't have undies in the drawer to match that. (Yes this is a real thought!)


This process takes awhile. It is worse when I am not going to work and am going out somewhere, especially with Frank, though we live together so he see's me with no make up/crazy hair/drool on my pillow/dropped salsa on my big tee but i'm still wearing it/I've wore these sweats twice this week already/you get the picture. And he's seen me when I'm deathly ill! (Luckily he has never seen me throw up or has never witnessed some bathroom issue and I hope he never does. And the part about drool on my pillow isn't true....the drool was on his pillow and he had drooled on my shoulder so now the aforementioned salsa shirt is wet! Don't kill me for telling that honey!)


Anywho, my point is that I really need to just say oh well sometimes. If I think that nothing looks good on my I need to just throw on the jeans that usually make my butt look supermodel-ish (even if they don't currently), whatever tee that is clean, any shoes that assist the whole supermodel butt thing and match or create a color scheme I have going on or shoes that feel comfortable, and whatever underwear won't show through said shirt or create line under said supermodel butt jeans. Now if this is something I can't wear jeans to, proceed to LBD section of closet, pull out whatever fits occasion best, and throw on shoes and underwear (following the above guidlines). For the record, the whole jeans thing is what I did this morning except I added my favorite navy blue cardigan. (So wild!)


(I'm beggining to realize that many people quit reading at this point so I shall proceed in the comfort that I am typing this for my own good. If you have made it this far, I am sorry that you have read all of this madness. I hope there has been one good laugh in it for you. I'm laughing at myself as I type it! I also feel that I may have lost track at some point of where I was actually going. This thought has began to stress me out and is mocking my blog entry. Sad Panda.)


Btw...if you are reading, my "supermodel butt jeans" come from Old Navy. The were no more than $30, go figure! How about a quick story about them?


I needed new jeans. All the jeans I currently had were too small, I had too much hips going on. (They sit at the hips.) Though I had a lot of butt and thigh and ew going on too! I no lie! Moving on...they didn't fit. So I decided that I was going on a hunt for new jeans. (I should mention that a year prior I had tried on and bought a pair of Hollister jeans that were a bit tight on me but still looked alright. The 1 size up were amazingly to big so that's why I ultimately decided to keep the a-bit-too tight ones. These now didn't fit at all. I couldn't button them and refused to take them back to get a bigger size because a) I wasn't ready for a size 3 and b) it was a year later...they probably wouldn't have exchanged them.) Back to my story. I was on the hunt. I went to many stores and took poor Frank along with me. With every store a total let down beacsue the jeans didn't fit. They just made me feel fatter and contemplating a diet. At 119-121 lbs and 5'5, one shouldn't be thinking of dieting. I wasn't fat! And I knew that, I just felt like I was because I have never been anything but athleticly built. I was just a bit on the out-of-shape-and-untoned side.


So I finally ended up at Old Navy. I was a bit skeptical but they carried skinny leg jeans which is what I'm into but didn't have, and it couldn't hurt to just try them on right? In I went, found the treasure and proceeded to try them on. They were exactly what I had been looking for, only they were 1 size too big. (Oh my!) I gave up. They didn't have my size, trust me we looked. Frank was so determined he dug through the stacks with great enthusiasm, only to come up with nothing. It took me a few weeks but I finally was convinced to order my beauties, in my size, online. When they came I was so excited. I had looked for them everyday and now they had arrived, the answer to my jeans prayers.


This is the part of the story where you know something has to have gone wrong. But what? Did they send me the wrong size? The wrong style? If only those were true. The truth is they sent exactly what I had ordered and I had ordered exactly what I needed. They didn't fit. They buttoned, but I was in discomfort. I cried. Then I whipped myself into shape. I rode my bike while Frank jogged, made better food choices and added snacks into my day while minimizing my dinner portions a bit. (When I say a bit I really mean that I did an extra spoonful of veggies instead of the extra spoon of pasta or rice. I am a pescetarian afterall and honestly I like veggies a lot.) I'm not quite sure how long it took. Maybe 2 months, but one day I decided to be brave and try on my jeans. (Old Navy not the Hollister ones, I didn't want to be completely let down!) I cried, but this time because they fit like a dream. Thus, my supermodel butt. A side note, I liked these so much that I bought the same style, just in a lighter wash. They fit terribly! They are big on me so I need a belt and they do nothing for my butt. What is with the wonky sizes? I'm proudly a size 2. But so curvy!


Okay so where was I before that story? Oh yes, patience. I need it. That and a 25 minute drive alone to Sanger with Muse, Nine Inch Nails, or some sort of angry/happy/dancy/fast/hard music turned way up. (Did that last night. Cured me.)


My whole point to all of this is to put in writing that I really need patience. I really need outlets for my stress and to be level headed about situations that usually send my mind racing with negativity. With patience comes stregth which will also help with the stress. It takes a strong will to keep pace and not loose your footing. I'd like to achieve this new mantra within 2009 and beat up that sad outlook given to me.


You hear that outlook? I'm calling you number!